My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
LA today:
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul