My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Leftovers are for quitters!
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
english majors be like furthermore
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese