My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see