Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger