My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know