Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.