Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

*cough*

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler