My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Everything reminds me of my ex
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie