Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.