Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot