Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

We’ve all been there

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.

me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?