My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me when my alarm goes off
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Oceanography is all about current events
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks