My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
That was easy.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.