Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

This kid will have a bright future.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.