My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Going to church you guys need anything
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one