My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
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I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.