My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
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Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I think the cat got the dog high.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people