My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”