My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Stop.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!