Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

When they try to steal your moment.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Why am I like this?

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door