My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor