Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.