My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

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Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

None that I can think of


Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too


It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.


My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.


If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”


At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.


Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”


[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa