@lovemydogduck

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

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@Michael1979

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

@LeBearGirdle

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

@Just_Lee_

It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.

@Dawn_M_

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

@aaronnemo

If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”

@TomJonesN

At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.

@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa