Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
[entire audience starts laughig]
[audience laughs louder]
No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.