My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible