@lovemydogduck

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

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@LaetPO

Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.

@DurtMcHurtt

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

@TheToddWilliams

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

@jonnysun

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

@TragicAllyHere

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

@evildadatron

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

@Cyd10e

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.