A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans
None that I can think of
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
At my age Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa