Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

I’m already scared