Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.