My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
set yourself free xox
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Today I’m going to give it my almost
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why is no one talking about this?!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.