Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO