My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.