Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

my sentiments exactly

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.