Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥