My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
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Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Wait, let me explain..”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Shower sex be like:
Bringing home a sharpie
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.