Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda