@NJPsychDoc

My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia

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@Tmoney68

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

@JoshuaHvr

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

@david8hughes

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

@brandynwiththey

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

@MelvinofYork

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

@bransonreese

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

@PanicRestroom

It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

@Rollinintheseat

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.