My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia

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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*


[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”


My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.


Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”


Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition


Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.


It’s like grandma always said…
In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs


I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.