My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”