My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
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Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
what
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to