Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

man: wait

time: no

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.