Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Me when I’m ovulating

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.