My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.