Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

I love twitter