My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
sliding into dms like
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Sorry. Not sorry
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult