My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
This is what makes twitter great
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.