My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.