My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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mood
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
