My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Saw this yesterday lol
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.