My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.