My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
wtf is an acronym
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
how much does a mortician urn in a year
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
