My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
wishing you and yours all the best
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Spa day..😅
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My dream car is a taco truck.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit