My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Mapping America’s Far Right
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.