My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%