My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
*pokes sex life with a stick
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*looks at you in batman voice*
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
well this is just bullshirt
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.