the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
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Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*weighs self after shaving
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor