My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
#parenting
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
