My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Not today
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
