My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
