Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.