Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

🗽

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge