My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.