My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming