My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
This forever.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Cashiers are always checking me out
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.