“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
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Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Thrilling chase underway
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.