“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]