“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
You Might Also Like
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
PARKOUR
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is