“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
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*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look