my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.