my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
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Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
That’s easy for you to say
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”