What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.