Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”