My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
You Might Also Like
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why