@i_love_fudge

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

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@TheDailySchmuck

1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.

2016: *watching cat videos*

@imdaintyaf

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

@SequelsWeWant

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

@AnniemuMary

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@Reverend_Scott

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

@wickedsuga

The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.

@Midgetspar

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

@TheDailySchmuck

Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.

Me: Are you Italian, my brother?

Him: No.

Me: Then no more pizza for you.

@Phook75

It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name