1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.
2016: *watching cat videos*
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Him: It should be illegal for white people to wear dreads.
Me: Are you Italian, my brother?
Me: Then no more pizza for you.
It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name