My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
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[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING