Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”