Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

hi why am I like this

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

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