my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Okey dokey.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”