Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*