Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

What flavor cupcake are these

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

The police never think its as funny as you do.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.